अब पता चला

अब पता चला,
कितनी बारिशों से गुज़रे हो तुम,
और कितने तूफानों में अभी भी ग़ुम.
अब पता चला,
क्यूँ होश नहीं तुम्हे मेरे वजूद का,
अपने वजूद से जो रूठे बैठे हो तुम.

बात करते हो तो,
लगता है, और सब बेमानी है.
फ़िज़ूल कि गुफ्तगू,
में उलझा देते हो तुम.
अब पता चला,
क्यूँ बात बात पे दिल दुखा देते हो तुम.

रोज़ मेरे सब्र, मेरी सोच को,
गिल्ली डंडा बना छेड़ना पसंद है.
कभी दिल को छूना,
कभी दिल को भेड़ना पसंद है.
अब पता चला,
क्यूँ दुनिया भर का पंगा लेते हो तुम.

खबर है मुझे,
तुम अक्सर खो जाते हो.
तुमको रात को अब सपने नहीं आते,
अक्सर आँखें खोल के ही सो जाते हो.
अब पता चला,
इन मासूम शरारतों में कितना डर छिपाते हो तुम.

अब पता चला,

क्यूँ होश नहीं तुम्हे मेरे वजूद का,

अपने वजूद से जो रूठे बैठे हो तुम.

अब पता चला,

कितनी बारिशों से गुज़रे हो तुम,

और कितने तूफानों में अभी भी ग़ुम.

First three days at Ummeed Home

Fixing..

Picking out the weed,

never appealed to you much.

Getting the right seed,

wasn't easy as such.

Still, I see you fixing

one day at a time.

Only to get deeper

in the slime.

Digging out holes

for tomorrow's plants.

Dealing with parasites

and dead ants.

I see you fixing

so often, I say,

I think I'll stay

till you till..

but we both know,

I will have to go away.

For her and her, women still fighting it out..

So where are we now!

Downpour at midnight,

of thoughts allergic to daylight.

Have the journeys made me wiser?

Or have I killed the best advisor?

Killed the reason sublime,

Or freed a spirit locked away in time!

I was happy until I knew it won't last long,

I was happy until I knew I still don't know where I belong..

No words for - What? Why? When? or How?

No words for - 'Where are we now?'

Some unbeatable moments in Goa..

1. "You have an underwear on your face". So I walked into my PG, and I see Gavin (7 yrs old) playing blindfold chase with his friends in the house with Elaine's(his elder sister, 11 yrs.) underwear on his face. And this is how Frida (other elder sister, 9 yrs.) responded to the scene.

2. I enter a bus in Goa, and I see everyone at the window seat with the side seat vacant. It's a Goan thing, always aim for a window seat.

3. Discovering that Goa would be the only place, where you can hear psychedelic in local buses!

4. Solomon's "Do you know?" fact updates with an Irish style, is clearly something unforgettable.

5. Erikson(class 7) saying I want a divorce from my wife; that Indian wives only keep cribbing about sarees and jewelery with his typical fast forward gestures. Funniest kid over there.

6. Walking into Khareband for the first time; a slum area near Margao inhabitated by people who create 'Dhols' for a living and produce kids at lightening speed. Met a family with 10 kids, none of them going to school, hardly dressed, not sure of next meal. Response to why so many kids - 'Allah deta hai!'

7. Getting lost near Gaondongri and following instincts to find a place (some village called Nuterlim) where I went during the first few weeks. Recognizing the waterfall and realizing it's the best place in Goa.

8. Entering into the 24/7 Nescafe near Margao and since there was no one at the counter; making my own coffee and waiting. After 45 min : Instead of the counter person, more people wanting coffee came :) Discussing the concept of 'honest Goan' and paying the next door shop for the coffees.

9. The star-lit sky at Palolim beach. Trying google to find out names of the constellations, pissing off other friends :P

10. First day of swimming :))) Nothing like it!

11. Parasailing for 10 min. Wanting to be in the air for eternity. Wishing to be doing everything - Reading, dancing, eating, drinking, chit chatting - one day suspended in air.

12. The orange-red soil of Sanverdem (a mining area) putting a sort of tan on your skin while waiting for innumerable trucks to cross.

13. The faces of over 1000 kids radiant with unseen joy while dancing to songs by the 'Light of the World' movement. Goosebumps seriously!

14. Diwali celebration at Iona's ancestral house (more than 150 years old) in the frontyard of their "Jorge's Family bar and restaurant". Ferry ride with her, after seeing the place where the river and the sea meets. Meeting her father who is food enthusiast to the level it gets crazy :P No matter how much food there is in the house, he'll always get more in the morning/evening. Eats in courses. Likes to argue about Goa being separate form rest of India over dinner. Quite a happy soul :)

15. Sleeping downstairs with neighbours as Iona feigns illness to her 'about to be divorced' husband saying she's in Belgaun. Crazy but kickass female, never met anything like her!! Super-mom, plumber, mechanic, chef (who hates cooking btw), wild bikrider, forger, fixer and much more..

16. Noticing that there are more extra-marital affairs in Goa than anywhere else in India.

17. Slow dance when intoxicated by moon-lit beach and a lot of other things :)

18. Few silly things I noticed... the way Gavin and Iona always say "See haan, see" before showing some trick; the way Xisto always laughed after making a serious face; the way Frida would touch the inner wall of her left cheek with her tongue when trying out something for the first time; the way Ranjitha's face will have thousand expressions when she's explaining something; the PWD road always buffallo ridden; the pink bus that used to come every morning, with two brother conductors always asking everyone to "Fatle yo" (go back); the way I used to get lost in my own interpretations when people were talking in Konkani, and 'Raju' :) the dog at the bungalow, the way he barked at me the first day and kept me out; and fell in love with me from next day..

19. Frida and Elaine (kids at my PG) using Priyal's and Rishabh's hands and faces as canvas - my last night there. Elaine keeps hugging me, Frida keeps me close when sleeping. Gavin tries to appear nonchalant. Last bed-time story :(

20. At 5 a.m., on my way to airport, still not knowing how quickly everything happened; felt as if I lived a lifetime. Kept remembering my first day at Joet's and how I imagined my time in Goa to be and how drastically different it turned out to be!!!

As I sat there on the beach, I stitched
thoughts for a life to be,
Blinked and found
a different wave, a different sea...

Goa Diary: 25th Aug

Patches of heart got burnt and patches of my soul froze today, listening to Fatima telling about some of the Childline cases. Some of the stories made my stomach turn with utter disgust. Too painful to recollect.

Made bhindi-bhaaji today with tamarind and chicken masala. Actually turned out nice.

Started a chain bedtime story for Elaine, Frida and Gavin; "Swolly and the Barbie". I love these kids already. I am starting to believe that sometimes randomness puts you right in middle of things you would've never known but you most definitely needed to know. 

But there is a silent calmness about me today. Probably, because of the experience at the Children Court today. Plus, watching Iona bringing up three kids independently makes me wonder if parenting isn't  the most difficult yet kickass thing in life. It teaches you everything, child psychology, patience, cooking, story-telling, getting up early; managing time, multitasking, budgeting (better than the most successful entrepreneurs); appreciating the simple things (baby snails, thermocol soup, pogo cartoons etc. ); in Iona's case : even plumbing. electrician jobs, bank jobs, driving/riding, shopping; in short how to do a man's job better than the man and how to rise to the occasion and focus on solution rather than the problem.

Goa Diary: 24th Aug

Bewildering day.. should be recollected in points:

-          Got up with an uneasy feeling with a constant tuck tuck from the upper side of the bungalow. On my very last day, it scared the shit out of me; didn’t have the heart to check so stayed in bed with scissors. Another uneasy thought, this one about someone's eccentricities; was almost like somebody pulled me by the hand and kept pulling me through all the fields, the rocks, the water, the thorns without me getting a good look at them, as he was busy explaining his episodes with women and life. Nice but scary man.

-          Packed once more, puzzle pieces on the floor. 2000 of them.

-          An hour to locate HDFC ATM at Vasco, but the good part was that I met Joeaquim. My how to get my luggage to Margaon puzzle solved right at that moment. He is quite like an angel; first saving me from a disc fiasco on our first meet and again today. Felt kind of weird, that I can't really help him back.

-          No feelings registered while leaving the bungalow.

-          And first kicker, spoils the whole peace structure of my mind. As if, she hasn’t made it difficult enough for me by making me doubt myself for a small mistake, she calls and speaks like I’m some criminal, not to be trusted. It would have been better if instead of the guest house treatment and over-hospitality of bungalow and all, she would have just talked to me, tried to even know what I was like. Never mind, I think she did the best possible thing for me, by letting me go.

-          Felt even weirder as Jokhim was there when my conversation on.

-          Second kicker, the PG that I’m staying. A female, Iona, with three kids, husband cheated with a girl she only brought. She even got her the nursing job, then the beauty parlour job, only to find out that she was pregnant with her husband’s child. Very interesting female, full of life and care.

-          Third kicker, I’m dropped by Iona at the back side of the mosque(it’s a landmark so that I can reach Jan Ugahi’s office) and I take it as another mosque. I take a full round around Margaon market area, just to reach back at the same Mosque. And the unceasing rain throughout the day didn’t make it any simpler.

-          Fourth one. I’m there listening to all the information about Childline and other projects at Jan Ugahi; One of the coordinators, Fatima asks me to come to the court with her tomorrow, and she’s giving the details of the cases. Child abuse at ages as low as three. Sisters abused by their own father, one got pregnant and he still continued to abuse. I almost died for a second.

-          The kids in the new PG are really nice; one is a book-maniac, one is a bag-maniac, the youngest is just a maniac!

-          Unpacked, and exhausted. Need to call PJ now.

Goa Diary: 21st Aug

I think life has become a constant race between packing and unpacking. As soon as unpacking is picking up, packing rushes in and takes the referee by surprise! I’m moving out of the bungalow to Margaon on Tuesday. Don’t want to talk about it, except that it’s a good decision and I’m hopeful that even I’ll run into few surprises myself.