The end.

I feared the end would choke me,

that maybe my heart would stammer,

and the eyes would bleed.

How would I smile again! - I wondered.

Would I be able to get up from bed?

What happens to all those tied up feelings?

Do they ever get untied?

I assumed 'the end' would feel like 'The End'.

Well, it didn't!

Maybe for some of us, it never does!

My room-mate!

Its amazing how we accidentally meet some people, only to be bewitched for life.

I remember how I met Joyshree. It had hardly been a week in Montfort, Tura. I was still getting rid of my old  Delhi habits, still getting used to the multi-cultural amalgamation of North-eastern tribes here, still deciding if I could sit inside a class once again without feeling agitated or distracted or bored. I was still unpacking my stuff & my thoughts. 

She was standing in the doorway with her Dad. I smiled at her & went ahead to my room. I saw Bijaya running excitedly towards me saying we have a deaf trainee this time & I should talk to her as I was the only person in the hostel who knew sign language. I pretended to be just as excited as Bijaya & went to meet her. She was surrounded with all the trainees - majorly Manipuris, as she was from Manipur. They introduced me to her. And we said our first 'Hi'! She seemed simple, shy, reserved, innocent like a kid just out of school. Little did I know, what a bundle of joy Joyshree is! 

We became room-mates. I started noticing her. She takes her time in opening to people. I do too. But once she is comfortable around you, she makes you feel that every small thing is nothing short of an adventure. She gives you undivided attention when you're saying something, something rare in our times, something none of us are used to. She is a girl, but doesn't like gossiping - another rare thing. She has trouble with her sentences - all deaf people do; but her ideas are refreshingly unique. And in sign language, these ideas, her feelings, her identity seem even more artistic & new. Her smile as well as her optimism is infectious. It's very hard to stay in a bad mood around her. She counsels you like a friend, cares like a mother, works like a woman on a mission to moon, plays like a child and worries like a wife. Interpreting the lectures to her, I survived the six months of training. I understood more about life, just being with her. She taught me how to dance with no music, how to laugh over mistakes, how to hold on to certain things &; how to let go of others. 

Maybe, being in a silent world does make you unaware of the noise around you. The noise of cribbing, the noise of condescending, the noise of careless words, the noise of unnecessary explanations, the noise in our hearing world. I remember walking in the grounds of India Habitat Center on foundation day of Noida Deaf Society. the whole yard was filled with people & everyone was talking. But there was no sound, except the occasional laughter. More than thousands hands expressing, painting, dancing in the air! I was mesmerized.

I wished for a world where there was more expression and less noise. I wondered how life would have been if everyone could sign. Since that would be asking too much, I guess my little world here in Montfort with my dear room-mate Joyshree and all the variety of kids would do just as well :)

Annoyingly stupid!

The world seem so annoyingly stupid at times! Can't make sense of it!!

Why would people spend their life savings on a marriage ceremony? And on top of that, spend that supposedly very special day, trying to please gold plated aunties, royal food wasters, some obnoxiously unknown but pretending to be close relatives and of course, several total strangers!.. Why do people care more about impressing & feeding this lovely bunch who obviously neither need nor appreciate it, than probably the ones who actually do!
Is it the bright clothes or the loud music or the absolute farce underlining the whole event? What exactly is so attractive about a marriage which makes you almost bankrupt?

An open letter to some school people!

My throat's a little scratchy (now),

my words might be crude..

my thoughts misaligned (like ever),

talking about the construed and the misconstrued..

Since we don't live forever and since I shouldn't procrastinate something as critical as this, I've decided that I'm going to spend my last few hours before my flight to Guwahati writing an open letter to some people  whom I've met during my school life and never told them things that they should be knowing!

Vivek Parasher : You were in my school (in 2nd or 3rd standard), and just because you were the topper, I told you once in assembly that I might marry you when I grow up. I was lying, didn't mean it then, and definitely don't mean it now! I was jealous of you, and wanted to destroy you in some way. Next and more importantly - Once I, fueled by envy as I was, told some students that prior to every test, you were told the questions by the S.St. teacher (Mrs. Kaamni or something like that). Somehow, she got to know that and asked me furiously why on earth I said something like that. Frightened by her red face, I lied to her that you had told me so. You suffered a tight slap in front of the class. I would like to apologize to you, for acting like a complete pig. I never knew I was such a coward, felt so ashamed could never bring myself to even talk to you and then you left school. And I kept this unsaid apology hidden in my liver - never discussed or told anyone about it. I am extremely sorry for that slap, it belonged to me.

Ms Maini : I was the 'Monitor' of the class (in 1st or 2nd standard), but busy finishing my homework in the last period (as I always did), I didn't notice the hullabaloo around me. You just came, asked -"Who's the monitor?" And slapped me. I want to tell you - You acted like a supernova BITCH then. Maybe you've improved, maybe not.  Maybe you're dead. But the point is, I hated you for a really large part of my life. You still seem to me the icon of the dragon-ism prevalent in education system. I hope at some point you realized your mistake and apologized in your heart to me and millions like me whom you've slapped all your life. If not, I hope you continue to live miserable life and sulk till death.

Devender : I used to sit with you during lunch (KG or 1st standard), but only for the green saunf-like (fennel-seeds) candies you used to bring everyday. I had no interest in you or any of your conversation (which never even got remotely registered in my brain). I am sorry for 'using' you for the candies. I wish I was better.

Some boy in the opposite bus queue : I never knew your name. You used to stand in the opposite bus queue (Nursery or KG) and I was absolutely fascinated by your hyperactivity. I also thought you were a treat to look at. I lost my infatuation towards you when one day I saw a teacher giving you punishment. I assumed you were stupid and dull. I should have at least talked to you before judging you like that. I am sorry for that unfair attitude!

Paramjeet Kaur : You were an excellent English teacher (class 4th and 5th). And you were the prettiest! I so wanted to have your fair and sparkling face, your thick, beautiful, black hair, your sweet voice - everything. I think I couldn't understand a word of what you said most of the times, because I was busy gawking at you. I should have been more attentive and less abnormal in my affections.

Weird Sanskrit Sir : You used to always give me 100% marks. In fact you would yourself correct my mistake in blue ink and give me 100%. I understood that I was good at the subject and that it's hard not to like me. But I found you very weird somehow and never wanted to talk much to you. The day you were leaving for Varanasi ( I guess you were fired, because you were almost in tears), you apologized to me. I didn't even react as if I understood. I wondered for many years if I misunderstood. 

Meena Sharma : You were the creator of a lurking nightmare in my life for almost two years (9th and 10th). You taught us S.St. and you knew nothing about the subject or how to teach or how to behave yourself. However you were a gossip-monger, shameless gift-seeker, rude and cheap sycophant. You praised and loved me in public and hated me in private. Very slyly you bitched about me to everyone that I'm not a good person, that they should maintain distance. And they did. For two years I was just clueless about how though there was communication, there was no warmth. Though they were around, I felt isolated. Couldn't understand but as an egoist I could never ask anyone. You rendered me practically friendless for two years. For the first time, I experienced real pain in my life. You were the meanest hypocrite I thought, till I met Shubhi (in my college). However, I learnt that 'mob mentality effect' - how people as a group would do and say things they might never as an individual and I also learnt how it feels to be hated by everyone for no fault of yours. I am confused whether to abuse you or to thank you. All of that did make me more self-analyzing, detached and careful with people kind-of person. When I first found out about what you used to say about me behind my back, I wanted to throw a black cobra on you. Now I am much calmer. If I meet you now, I might not say anything except - "You were such a BITCH. I hope you had a terribly rotten life so far. But thanks for the crash-course in social psychology, it's been indispensable".