Sometimes in life you feel everything is so connected; as if a mesh of paper-pins entangled into each other.. one thing works, everything kind of kick-starts or one thing goes wrong, and its like a nuclear chain reaction ending in utter and complete destruction..
What I'm trying to say here, is that there is an underlying anomaly in my life, a thing that keeps coming back to haunt me. An under-rated fear perhaps, of making a mistake and be so blind as not to see it until its very late. And it is this fear, that shows up whenever something blows into my face. I wish I could avoid it forever, as I do ignore it most of the time, you know like being totally engrossed in something so as to tell myself that the fear doesn't exist. But it does, and it bottles up every time I choose laziness and mediocrity over a belief in my abilities.
Actually, the truth is... that I'm having a bad day!.. and what kills me more is that there are more to come, until I find a new Job, either with better money or with better connection to my thoughts and my spirit.. I don't want to be dying just wishing there was so much I could do, I want to get atleast 80% of my unsettled, confused dreams to materialize.. but how??
