Chapter 1

Like a few of the interesting people I've met in my life, a constant desire of locking the breezy turns into words so that one day a book could be churned out, has often crossed my mind. Probably there were never enough breezy turns visible that could hold the writing; or probably there were never enough words to hold up the breezy turns. I could never really begin. Not that now I have both, but someone I know for quite a while now has made me deft in picking up the pieces of broken mirror and see a million things more than a single mirror could ever do. But the story doesn't begin with him.

May be it begins with a girl, 3 yrs. old travelling in a school bus somewhere in the 1990s West Delhi roads, having good knowledge of her stop, but not sure of it, she waits for the conductor who seemed more intelligent age-wise. He doesn't drop her at her stop, but a few stops later. She gets down, still knowing that it is the wrong stop, but has no courage to tell the conductor any better. The world, just a few streets away from the familiar looked so alien, it excited and terrified her at the same time. With a throbbing heart shaking her speech and her tiny frame, she shows her I-card to an absolute stranger expecting and asking him to drop her home. He does that, scolds the father for the sheer irresponsibility of the school. The father puts her into a new school the very next day.

May be, that wasn't the right beginning, it looked a bit lacking. It was not that huge an event, nothing damaging actually happened (I almost sounded as if I regretted that!). But the truth is, I could never forget that day. It led to an life-long distrust in my own memory and my fear of getting down at the wrong stop. 

May be, we should try something chronically misaligned. We could begin with her playing with a few street children in a garbage dump, it starts to rain, the lights go off. She starts to feel as if rain could cleanse her inside out. But even a child's mind is full of some secrets that can't be washed out by just the rain. The secrets that underlined her emotions, secrets that ranged from deep hatred to extreme passion, emotions that kids her age didn't have, or didn't show. 

The draping life.

Finding your place in life = finding a perfect dress.

You want something that should accentuate your features and (almost) hide your flaws. Something that fits, allows your free spirit to explore and explode (in a non-destructive way) and looks killer too.

So, you look around and see plenty of these, each one hanging like an illusion. But though you know that, any one of those expensive, alluring dresses could be the one for you; you have to remember that you can't go over-budget..and so you settle for something less extra-ordinary. And keep reminding yourself to be happy with your choice.

And then, sometimes when the day doesn't go that well, like some plane just crashed at your door step.. you go wild shopping.. trying out bizarre stuff.. fitting into things that aren't meant for you.. some are too big for you, you feel lost and inadequate.. some too small, selling yourself short this time.. some too wacky, some too dull..you spend almost a lifetime telling yourself, you looked good into those ill-fitting dresses; until you find the one that belonged to you.

What you see, is so beautiful and complements you so well, that you can't imagine how you lived without it all these years.. You feel right wearing it, its not tight or loose, its not gaudy nor plain, its doesn't make you look fat or short or clumsy or weird, its in your budget; it always was but was hidden from you behind the expensive display dresses.. its the perfect dress. its the perfect life.

Connected..not yet!

Sometimes in life you feel everything is so connected; as if a mesh of paper-pins entangled into each other.. one thing works, everything kind of kick-starts or one thing goes wrong, and its like a nuclear chain reaction ending in utter and complete destruction..

What I'm trying to say here, is that there is an underlying anomaly in my life, a thing that keeps coming back to haunt me. An under-rated fear perhaps, of making a mistake and be so blind as not to see it until its very late. And it is this fear, that shows up whenever something blows into my face. I wish I could avoid it forever, as I do ignore it most of the time, you know like being totally engrossed in something so as to tell myself that the fear doesn't exist. But it does, and it bottles up every time I choose laziness and mediocrity over a belief in my abilities.

Actually, the truth is... that I'm having a bad day!.. and what kills me more is that there are more to come, until I find a new Job, either with better money or with better connection to my thoughts and my spirit.. I don't want to be dying just wishing there was so much I could do, I want to get atleast 80% of my unsettled, confused dreams to materialize.. but how??

Things life has taught me.. part 8

1. Don't boast of your self-defense classes to guys, who can spin you like a bottle.
2. Don't keep the bill with your shirt, that you're supposed to return; coz somehow water will come and create spots on it..
3. Don't let your wallet get wet.. its just embarrassing when you use wet notes at shop; try if you don't believe me.
4. Don't wake your brother up at the middle of the night to ask if you can go out.. not only would he say "NO".. he'll be sure now that you've lost it.
5. Don't drink with a secret.. always gets puked out.
6. Shopping is like a game.. more you play, better you get.
7. Learn cooking.. save yourself the enormous guilt of asking someone else to cook for you, when your parents are out.
8. Even when you can't be sure of what you want to be; at least be sure of what you definitely don't want to be.. would keep things rolling for now.
9. I'm totally sure that not being able to remember birthdays is an illness, and I'm suffering from that.. and I don't think I can recover.

Things life has taught me.. part 7

1. Don't eat too many chocs too fast.. it reflects on ur belly and ur head spins..
2. Do Not ever get drastic short hair-cut, when you really have got used to the long locks.. hurts really bad, the following mornings..
3. Never fall for a guy, who already has a hot girlfriend.. just doesn't make sense.
4. Try to be more strong-willed.. read newspaper, exercise .. instead of just making fragile resolves.
5. When you're tripping, speak a little more.. its fun to feel how every word, every syllable can be sensed.. how each body movement can be felt as a combination of a million small movements.. how every face dissects into small-small parts and you can finally read through them.
6. Don't smoke alone, its too depressing..
7. Every small conversation at the end of the day, adds on to you.. so try to pay attention, you might just get inspired by something.
8. Its difficult to hate someone, who complements you.. impossible to hate the one, who makes you laugh.

Complicated spring.

Its an over-used word
an under-understood thing
how my feelings kick right now
is complicated.. my complicated spring..

The colors here, are always blinding
the breeze always pricks
you tell yourself "Its seasonal"
and try not to give in to the pretty "tricks"..

but whatever happens
you are ready for the high road
lets see how it craps this time
do you, don't you.. explode

I'm thinking...

i have been bugged by some questions, through most of my life; even today, whenever i'm sitting, i'm thinking about this stuff..

-why do we have exams?? the reason we have exams is to find out who is the brainy one; but the one with brains would know, that most of the information taught is useless to him.. and thus would always be selective in his remembering that information.. which means, he won't be performing that well, so why do we have exams..

-if there is an older dating younger thing; the older one (irrespective of male/female), is always the culprit, and younger always the victim..don't get it, why?

-i've always wondered, if i realized that i've only 24 hrs to live what i'd do.. i might want to go on a dream holiday; switzerland, or venice.. but then, am i not supposed to be spending my last hours with my family; but actually, i'd hate to waste even a second in the sob ceremony, which is impossible to prevent when with your family; so i might just run away with a stranger, have a nice time; come back in the last hour, say my final good byes.. and dhooshhhh!!!

-ppl bargain with sabziwallah, autowallah, dhoodwallah, akhbaarwallah; and these same ppl have no problem when they enter a branded show-room, in getting Rs. 1000 slate..

-life is so like a slate.. you write, you wipe; you draw you wipe; you spit you wipe.. in the end, what you have, is a dirty old slate, and a huge bill(for chalks)..

-if i try to find my bill, till now.. taking my daily food expenses to be 50/- average, i'm Rs. 3.8 lakh worth.. money on my education; something around 2.4 lakhs.. my maintenance cost; soap, shampoo, doctor, parlour, clothes, movies, trips etc. around 9-10 lakhs.. so right now, i have eaten up, around 17 lakhs; and for nothing.. i don't listen to the ppl who made all these payments all these years; and i might not even spend my last 24 hrs with them... some, unthankful creature i'm..

-if i start reading a lot of authors, it would improve my writing skills but i wouldn't be able to be unimpressed, and not copy any of their styles; so i will kind of loose the originality in the process...

-isn't everything we do, kind of working on this principle; that we are forcefully trying to loose the originality.. i think we all are actually just a mixture of all ppl we have met till date.. since there is such complex number and ratio problem of who we meet and who we become; we never realize that we aren't actually unique; just a mere variation in ratio.. like in alloys; the proportion changes everything..