Ramblings - this morning!

I woke up. But I doubt if I had actually slept. I have always doubted that since the night when I was unable to shut my thoughts. I even tried punching the pillows just to silence the ceaseless noise inside my head. And I was only seven then, completely unaware that this can be quite a gift. I’ve been so aroused and scintillated with my own screaming thoughts that I’ve hardly ever felt the need for a second person. But I do need one now. Now, that I’m married and all! Do I really miss him or it’s just another way to fill my head to its brim just so it can avoid the roller-coaster created by my own brain cells. Do I look for external stimulation, or am I just exhausted by it, I can never be sure!

There aren’t many things to be really sure, when I look around myself. Maybe we were better off in Tura! We had countless stars, vibrant skies, three kittens, two dogs and the whole football field to ourselves. And I never felt as uneasy as I feel here. Why did I want to be unsettled again? We fought, we broke things, we screamed but we just had one room, and we had to cook every meal, and we had to fit in that small bed. And that felt like true love! After showing his best and the ugliest, he has quite permanently captured a part of my soul. And maybe that’s what is bothering me right now. He’s not here!

I’m up now, the heaviness has been liberated by the routine. I do sincerely hate routines. I have always had the urge to ask the lady who checks me at the Metro Station, how she manages to do the exact same thing over & over again to people who don’t even notice her existence. She’s at such close proximity, and yet not even a smile or greeting. I sometimes sense her dejection, and feel an urgent urge to start a conversation with her. But there are people behind me!

Metro is truly brutal! I travel with phones rather than people. I used to love observing people, now all I see is one concentrated look into small screen, a fake urgency and a cultured indifference. I find it impossible to pass the time and then something incredible happens. I’m part of a nuclear winter, researching what used to be standing in those dead structures. I touch their faces and I see their stories, as colourless as their eyes. The greatest of their gifts wasted just as I wasted mine by coming back to the city.

I thought social contact would cure me of my relentless thoughts. But in fact, it makes it worse. I’m far more awkward and unfit now than ever with mundane conversations about things that don’t matter. No, it’s not because I’ve had major life experiences or deep insights. As a matter of fact, I’ve always felt out of place! Except with a very few people with whom my nerves are calm and my thoughts just naturally flow without the pressure of being disguised. I wish I had someone like that right now. Could have saved me from finishing the entire cake?

I fake sleep in Metro. That’s the only way I get by! I walk to the bus-stand. It’s freezing cold. A man is trying to rip apart what looks like his company ID card. I see his face, there is no sign of displeasure or relief. I wanted to tell him that this is probably the most ‘alive’ thing I saw in last two months at that bus-stop. But my bus arrived and I rushed in adding one more unfulfilled conversation to my list. I must have had a thousand by now. I just can’t press the trigger on time. Though after meeting the love of my life, I have certainly improved. Now, I at least manage to open my mouth 40 % of the times and blurt out my loudest thoughts. He makes it 99 % of the times, something he needs to improve upon. I think he might get killed one day for speaking his mind so freely. He had certainly served jail time and had countless scuffles with authorities. But he has an undeniable charm, and of course his dead grandmother is always looking out for him. I had never actually met her, but it’s hard not to notice her presence especially when she makes it a point to turn the whole universe against me every time I try to do anything against her grandson.

So, in the beginning it was small interference like me getting bitten by spider when I spent a night-out with some guy-friends of mine or being harassed by police and my new phone getting stolen when I went on a trip without him. Even after we broke up, she continued to punish me for going out with other guys. In Jaipur, it was missing the alarm and being discovered drunk and mortified. In Ladakh, it was being stoned for kissing in public by relatives of the family I was staying with. I can’t help but notice that the terror of his grand-mother is sort of a sub-conscious reminder why I can’t consider adultery as an option. Just the other day, she broke my brand new phone for hugging an old friend of mine more than once.

Someone puked in the bus. Now, all the social dynamics have changed. While most faces and noses are twirled in disgust, the young conductor tries to lighten the mood and comfort the poor humiliated girl. It’s adorable when someone shows compassion when you least expect it. I still remember when I was all dressed up for a dance competition in a school where I was fairly new and they told me my name’s not there. I broke into tears and this very cute boy told me he’ll fix it. And he actually did! And just like that, a small sweet gesture reinstated my faith in humanity.

Maybe that’s what I keep searching in these innumerable unstirring faces – a trace of humanity. Maybe that’s why I tend to put myself in struggling situations. As if I am not revolting, I’m not alive. A placid work place and insipid conversations are detrimental to my mental health. I need steam to run! And hence, this current place would either push me into deep depression or save me from my mid-life crises. It’s a deaf school where the teachers love their chairs and banal chatters. Last Saturday, it was a bag free day in school. They sat from 8:00 am till 2:30 pm ‘unflinchingly’ and ‘unapologetically’. Even that is an understatement.  They didn’t even get up when a small kid got bruised badly and blood was all over his lips and shirt. They continued sitting frigidly while the kids prayed, danced, did yoga, told stories, created drama, played, had lively discussions and left. I had a vision that there would an earthquake or a flood or an alien attack, but those teachers would stay glued to their chairs. Every day, I cover my angst with a forged mature face even I don’t recognize. These teachers and thousands like them have ruined the countless beautiful minds.

I feel like giving up at times and just running away. But there’s no originality in that! So, I stay one more day. I tolerate the unprofessionalism and chaos, more toxic than Delhi’s air and cheer myself up by going into the classroom. It’s pure poetry inside! It’s language flowing through fingers creating stimulations in me that I’ve been addicted to since past six years.

I found my love for teaching by an accident. I was going through my first break-up. The pain was insurmountable, to an extent that I had memory black-outs. Once, I took my exam sheet out of the hall without even realizing it. It was only when I was called back and my bag was searched that I understood there was something seriously wrong. My friend somehow convinced the authorities that I actually didn’t do it intentionally, but my confidence was severely scarred for life. I already had the childhood stammering syndrome which resurfaced time to time. I even drank some Dettol, thinking the awful taste would ease my writhing heart. But nothing worked, until I discovered the infectious energy kids possess. And my stop is here! I get down still in a reverie, when a student taps me from behind. He wants to know what I was thinking. I tell him – ‘Nothing!’ with a smile and let him pull me to the ‘World Map’ when he bombards me with questions about which countries are India’s friends and whether I have a new story to tell!

10 Things you must know about ‘Deaf’ people

1. ‘Deaf and Dumb’ is an archaic and derogatory term, and no self-respecting deaf person approves of it. Deaf with capital ‘D’ is most acceptable, but you can use ‘Deaf and Mute’ if you really need to be specific. The terms - Hearing Impaired (HI) and Speech Impaired (SI) are also used, though Deaf community is not particularly fond of them.

2. Deaf people have the same IQ as hearing people, but unfortunately 90 % of them don’t have access to quality education resulting in poor academics. Don’t rush to judge a Deaf person by his/her written language, whatever skills and knowledge he or she has learnt, it is despite the deplorable educational system.

3. Most teachers (Special Educators) don’t have adequate Sign Language skills as it is not fully included in their training. It’s just a week of Basic Sign Language in the two year long training, which doesn’t even equip them to teach Pre-primary classes. 

4. The time period from 0 to 6 years is known as critical age for language development. Unfortunately, more than 90 % of deaf children lose out on those important years as parents are not aware about Sign Language. 

5. ‘Use of Sign Language’ has been suppressed for ages by schools, teachers, parents and society in favour of ‘Use of Speech’. However, studies have shown that Deaf students who have higher levels of sign language proficiency also have better results in reading and writing tests (i.e. literacy), and perform better in cognitive tasks. (World Federation of the Deaf)

6. Empowered Deaf people i.e. those who do get access to quality education at some level, do not consider themselves as disabled or impaired. Deaf Community is like a linguistic minority group, with their own Deaf Culture.

7. Indian Sign Language (ISL) is a fully fledged language with its own grammar and rules, but it is yet to be recognized by Indian government. Sign Languages are already recognized in many countries. (Australian Sign Language or Auslan- 1991, Canada -1993, Finland- Finnish Sign Language- 1995, Thailand- 1999, Czech Sign Language – 1998, NZSL- 2006, Austria- 2005, French and, Belgium LSFB- 2003, Brazil- 2005, Sri Lanka- 2010, Malta - 2016 and Nepal- Legislation underway) 

8. Sign Language Interpreters are mandatory to make information accessible to the Deaf. That‘s why, news, speeches, conferences, trainings, classes etc. must be interpreted if there is any deaf person in the audience. You can contact ISLIA (Indian Sign Language Interpreters Association) or ASLI – India (Association of Sign Language Interpreters) to avail Sign Language Interpreting services.

9. There are only handful of interpreters in the country to serve the needs of millions of Deaf people. More people need to be encouraged to take up the one year ‘Diploma in Sign Language Interpreting’ course or short certificate courses (Level 'A', 'B' and 'C') offered by Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI) at Delhi (ISLRTC & AYJNIHH), Trivandrum (NISH), Mumbai & Kolkota (AYJNIHH), Indore (IDBA) and Lucknow (DSMRU).

10. It is not considered ethical for a hearing person to teach Sign Language. So, if you want to learn Sign Language, make sure you learn it from a trained ‘Deaf’ teacher. 

A long-due love letter!

I've been postponing this, always uncertain when our fury would take over again and shred it all! But I believe, I have been looking at it the wrong way - It's not Fight-Love-Fight story but a Love-Fight-Love one! Anyways, you must know this unless it becomes a tragedy from an action drama.

It wasn't the love at first sight, but you sure aroused my curiosity with your long hair and inquisitive eyes. It's been more than eight years and to be dead honest, it feels I have been with eight different versions of you. But all these versions have one thing in common - they all keep my head befuddled and my heart bewitched! I keep trying to reason with them, and they keep escorting me to a life beyond reason. Only you could make irrationality look so attractive, and reason so bitter!

My brain cells have debated over my feelings for you for years, to an extent of being extinct by over-heating and short-circuit. Apparently, whatever annoys me about you also causes my undefined infatuation towards you! Classic, isn't it! So, my arguments against you during our tussles double up as my statements of love, with a little change in tone and expressions. I love it that you're not limited by social conventions, and boundaries ; yet I always pick up a fight when you get late because you got stalled by a thirsty dog or a talkative old man or a random shop which caught your fancy. What can I say - I'm not completely infected by your charm. I still get carried away cheap mundane reality!

Our relationship is light years away from being perfect or eternal or star-studded, but it fills my entire canvas. Nothing makes me truly happy, nor does it make me raging mad, unless you're not in it. You stimulate emotions in me that I never knew existed - all shades ranging from neuroticism to pacifism. And though days without you are peaceful on my nerves, they're plain lifeless to me.

So, this is my confession letter, a long-due love letter to the man whom I have inexplicably and ceaselessly loved, relentlessly criticized but genuinely coveted, recklessly taken for granted though secretly revered!

We are not rare anymore!

What I say now, has already been said before
millions of times...
how I scream, how I stare, how I stop,
It has been precisely replicated on multiple faces.
My thoughts, how I thought they were unique,
Nothing but a terrible, mediocre amalgamation of
Copied, Imitated, Mimicked echoes of others.
Yet I yearn to be different,
And yet it only makes me more and more alike.
We are not rare anymore!
We are manufactured in bulk.
Exactly same. Exactly lame.
We live in similar reveries.
We create identical memories.
We leave one carton only to join another,

The end.

I feared the end would choke me,

that maybe my heart would stammer,

and the eyes would bleed.

How would I smile again! - I wondered.

Would I be able to get up from bed?

What happens to all those tied up feelings?

Do they ever get untied?

I assumed 'the end' would feel like 'The End'.

Well, it didn't!

Maybe for some of us, it never does!

My room-mate!

Its amazing how we accidentally meet some people, only to be bewitched for life.

I remember how I met Joyshree. It had hardly been a week in Montfort, Tura. I was still getting rid of my old  Delhi habits, still getting used to the multi-cultural amalgamation of North-eastern tribes here, still deciding if I could sit inside a class once again without feeling agitated or distracted or bored. I was still unpacking my stuff & my thoughts. 

She was standing in the doorway with her Dad. I smiled at her & went ahead to my room. I saw Bijaya running excitedly towards me saying we have a deaf trainee this time & I should talk to her as I was the only person in the hostel who knew sign language. I pretended to be just as excited as Bijaya & went to meet her. She was surrounded with all the trainees - majorly Manipuris, as she was from Manipur. They introduced me to her. And we said our first 'Hi'! She seemed simple, shy, reserved, innocent like a kid just out of school. Little did I know, what a bundle of joy Joyshree is! 

We became room-mates. I started noticing her. She takes her time in opening to people. I do too. But once she is comfortable around you, she makes you feel that every small thing is nothing short of an adventure. She gives you undivided attention when you're saying something, something rare in our times, something none of us are used to. She is a girl, but doesn't like gossiping - another rare thing. She has trouble with her sentences - all deaf people do; but her ideas are refreshingly unique. And in sign language, these ideas, her feelings, her identity seem even more artistic & new. Her smile as well as her optimism is infectious. It's very hard to stay in a bad mood around her. She counsels you like a friend, cares like a mother, works like a woman on a mission to moon, plays like a child and worries like a wife. Interpreting the lectures to her, I survived the six months of training. I understood more about life, just being with her. She taught me how to dance with no music, how to laugh over mistakes, how to hold on to certain things &; how to let go of others. 

Maybe, being in a silent world does make you unaware of the noise around you. The noise of cribbing, the noise of condescending, the noise of careless words, the noise of unnecessary explanations, the noise in our hearing world. I remember walking in the grounds of India Habitat Center on foundation day of Noida Deaf Society. the whole yard was filled with people & everyone was talking. But there was no sound, except the occasional laughter. More than thousands hands expressing, painting, dancing in the air! I was mesmerized.

I wished for a world where there was more expression and less noise. I wondered how life would have been if everyone could sign. Since that would be asking too much, I guess my little world here in Montfort with my dear room-mate Joyshree and all the variety of kids would do just as well :)

Annoyingly stupid!

The world seem so annoyingly stupid at times! Can't make sense of it!!

Why would people spend their life savings on a marriage ceremony? And on top of that, spend that supposedly very special day, trying to please gold plated aunties, royal food wasters, some obnoxiously unknown but pretending to be close relatives and of course, several total strangers!.. Why do people care more about impressing & feeding this lovely bunch who obviously neither need nor appreciate it, than probably the ones who actually do!
Is it the bright clothes or the loud music or the absolute farce underlining the whole event? What exactly is so attractive about a marriage which makes you almost bankrupt?