Confessions.

While I sit here with the empty 1 litre Cookie Crumb ice-cream bucket, I can't help but reminisce. It's been a while since I've felt like questioning myself. The reason being it's so much easier defending things, when you don't even mention your slightest doubts, even to yourself. 

Three days back, someone stole Martin's iPod. Got it back yesterday. Was stolen by a juvenile kid, with whom I used to talk about controlling anger, and forgetting the past, and focussing on future. He came to me to tell that he found the thing backside of Ummeed under a brick. But the truth as told much earlier by the staff was that, he was trying to find the lead in the Mehrauli market when two other kids saw him. And so, he probably returned it thinking that everyone's going to find out about this after all.

He was sick that day, and I haven't been talking to him much as he was not improving with his behaviour. But that day being a "Cheese toast and dining manners" class, I felt he could use some Cheese magic. I should've known better.

This is not the first time, I had serious doubts about myself. In my starting days at Ummeed, there was a kid Naushad Ali. Always dirty, always hitting, always outside the class. I decided to talk to him and after a lot of counselling, we both came up with a point system where things like clean hair, clean nails, clean ears etc. fetched +10 points and hitting a child, bunking class, lying, disrespecting fetched -10 points and so on. I promised if by the end of the week, he gets more than 100, I'll give him a gift. The very next day, I saw him sparkling clean and so well behaved, I felt incredible. He got more than 100 in just 3 days. I gave him a card for getting there so fast, and a chocolate at the end of the week. But the very day there was some holiday due to Moharram I think, and he ran away from home. And hasn't returned since. I tried finding out from the staff, they didn't have a clue. They say he had some mental issue. But I really wish I get to see him some day. He gave me a roller-coaster ride; got me so high and then left me to free-fall.

I was having an argument with this friend about him not even trying to quit drugs (his health is deteriorating and yes, I really had to!) and he flipped out telling me about how selfish I am at the core, how I don't even know what I'm doing, how illogical it is of me to force my perspective on him or even on the kids and how people try to fix others, when they can't fix themselves or their family. He apologized the next day, and said he didn't mean all that. And that, it was all just backlash, but it's the truth in it that turns in my stomach when I'm having a bad day.