कब से हुआ ये?

कब से हुआ ये,
 दिल गली के गटर सा हो गया.
 लोग अब दिखते नहीं, उनकी बस कमियां नज़र आती है.
छिल जाती है दिल की तबियत,
जब ख़ुशी सामने से गुज़र के,
पड़ोसी के घर सोने जाती है.
पूछ उसी कमबख्त से,
कब से हुआ ये?

कब से हुआ ये,
समुंदर का शोर सरदर्द करने लगा.
आँखें रूखी रेत सी,
ना टिकती है आसमाँ पर, ना गीली होती है कभी,
 जैसे बर्फ का पहाड़ दिल में घर करने लगा.
एक-दो दिन में तो नहीं बना ये!
पता है, पर नहीं बताऊंगा! कब से हुआ ये!

कब से हुआ ये,
रंगों से नफरत हो गयी.
दीवारों पे भी धब्बे है, मेरी खुन्नस के.
ये सपनों के गुब्बारे लिए,
जो चले आते है आज-कल के लड़के,
फोड़े थे मैंने भी कई अपनी तकदीर के फोड़ों से.
अरे छोड़ो! तुम क्या समझोंगे,
कब से हुआ ये.

An Umang Smile..

There’s a typical November winter chill in the air of Jaipur. My love for public transport (Bus number 220, to be precise) ensures that I experience the full blown impact of it, while reminiscing my past month here in the city. There’s been a surge of people, art, conversations, ideas, discussions; but all of that blurs in front of “Umang”.

Umang, as it defines itself, is an initiative towards rehabilitation of the disabled. For me, initially, it was just my placement organisation for the “Youth for Development” internship by a Delhi-based NGO Pravah. Now, it’s something that gives me a reason to wake up at 06:30 in the morning, a reason that keeps me driven till 01:30 p.m. to put every piece in my heart to see those kids as who they really are sans the veil of disability, a drive that keeps hanging through-out the day and flashes me every now and then about how much there is to be done.

If I start talking about the kids, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I’ve been awe-struck so many times by their spirit, inquisitiveness, sensitivity, flamboyance, humor etc. And you can not help but notice that, all you require is the proper environment, a prejudice-free zone and the flowers would bloom. And Umang, is doing that bit, quite well.

But for many others, there’s still a wide gap between their understanding of disability and the truth. According to WHO figures, around 10% of the world’s population or 650 million people live with disabilities of various types. Of them, India accounts for about 21.9 million (Census India, 2001). And, while we are still struggling with various myths surrounding disability, there are a lot of issues to be addressed. There’s a nightmarish dearth of disability friendly places in India. Everything from airports to ATMs, railways stations to movie theatres, restaurants to several institutions, is designed oblivious to the fact that those 10% exist. Then apart from the discrimination they face all through, there’re employment issues. And these are just the broader problems; things just get even darker when you go in details.

I see all that, and then I see the kids at Umang. I see sheer brilliance of some, utter innocence of others. I see the efforts of Umang and of those kids, and I feel bothered. I was warned by Neha a senior from Pravah, Delhi that a box of unknown, unfelt emotions might rush in unnoticed while you work for this internship. Well, she wasn’t really wrong. I still have to figure out the how, why, where, when, but I can’t go out of this internship, without making a difference; especially now, when I’m hopelessly in love with these 180 kids. So, I get out of the bus. I walk like a ghost, lost in my own thoughts and the song “Smile like you mean it” by “The Killers”. The first Umang auto is here, morning smiles and morning hugs and morning chit-chats! My smile couldn’t be more meaningful.

The draping life.

Finding your place in life = finding a perfect dress.

You want something that should accentuate your features and (almost) hide your flaws. Something that fits, allows your free spirit to explore and explode (in a non-destructive way) and looks killer too.

So, you look around and see plenty of these, each one hanging like an illusion. But though you know that, any one of those expensive, alluring dresses could be the one for you; you have to remember that you can't go over-budget..and so you settle for something less extra-ordinary. And keep reminding yourself to be happy with your choice.

And then, sometimes when the day doesn't go that well, like some plane just crashed at your door step.. you go wild shopping.. trying out bizarre stuff.. fitting into things that aren't meant for you.. some are too big for you, you feel lost and inadequate.. some too small, selling yourself short this time.. some too wacky, some too dull..you spend almost a lifetime telling yourself, you looked good into those ill-fitting dresses; until you find the one that belonged to you.

What you see, is so beautiful and complements you so well, that you can't imagine how you lived without it all these years.. You feel right wearing it, its not tight or loose, its not gaudy nor plain, its doesn't make you look fat or short or clumsy or weird, its in your budget; it always was but was hidden from you behind the expensive display dresses.. its the perfect dress. its the perfect life.

Quiet and Restless!

So my Youth for Development (YfD) for six months at Umang, Jaipur is over.. so, I'm at this Global Arts Village, MG road with fellow volunteers to reflect on the internship.. so, I'm meeting all these friends who worked in villages with no loo, in Naxal belts, in places where there was no order, places I probably have no information about.. and so, I should be excited and overflowing with experiences tumbling my hyper-active imagination.. but however, I feel quiet and restless!!

After a long time, I feel so strange, that I can't categorize my emotion. I am missing the place where I spent, probably the most useful six months of my life.. obviously, I miss the kids, their animated eyes, always looking out, always fascinated.. addictive stuff!!!.. while trying to translate them, while trying to extract maximum out of these six months, while sipping incessant coffees at Indian Coffee House, JKK with the amazing friends I made there, while exploring the third side of coin with Joe and while running after bus no. 220, I had no time to think about what is it that I got myself into.

Connected..not yet!

Sometimes in life you feel everything is so connected; as if a mesh of paper-pins entangled into each other.. one thing works, everything kind of kick-starts or one thing goes wrong, and its like a nuclear chain reaction ending in utter and complete destruction..

What I'm trying to say here, is that there is an underlying anomaly in my life, a thing that keeps coming back to haunt me. An under-rated fear perhaps, of making a mistake and be so blind as not to see it until its very late. And it is this fear, that shows up whenever something blows into my face. I wish I could avoid it forever, as I do ignore it most of the time, you know like being totally engrossed in something so as to tell myself that the fear doesn't exist. But it does, and it bottles up every time I choose laziness and mediocrity over a belief in my abilities.

Actually, the truth is... that I'm having a bad day!.. and what kills me more is that there are more to come, until I find a new Job, either with better money or with better connection to my thoughts and my spirit.. I don't want to be dying just wishing there was so much I could do, I want to get atleast 80% of my unsettled, confused dreams to materialize.. but how??

Lost in translation!!

Recently, I was asked to write an article in Good to know section of TCS magazine.. I thought this might be intrestingly safe..

Ever wondered, what would you call a person who is ready to forgive any abuse the first time it occurs, to tolerate it the second time, but to neither forgive nor tolerate a third offense. Unless you were born in Congo, you’d be speechless about this one. The correct answer is “Ilunga”[ee-Iun-ga], originated from the Tshiluba language spoken in south-eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo. This would also be the world’s most difficult word to translate according to an article published by the BBC on June 22, 2004.

There are other bizarre words running close in the competition. Take “Torschlusspanik” [To:-sh-lus-pæ-nik] for an example. This German word literally means “gate-closing panic” and is used to describe the fear of diminishing opportunities as one age. This word is most frequently applied to women who race the ‘biological clock’ to wed and bear children. Even more intriguing is “Mamihlapinatapei”[Mam-ihlapi-na-tapei] from Yagan, the indigenous language of the Tierra del Fuego region of South America, implying a wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start. The Guinness Book of World Records calls it the "most succinct word".

If those words struck a chord of familiarity, try the French phrase “l'esprit d'escalier” [e-SPREE des-kal-i-YE], or spirit of the staircase, used to describe the precise moment a person comes up with a clever repartee to an embarrassing insult. It is usually after leaving the party, and walking down the stairs that the mind gets that smart reply, and hence the phrase.
Ending with my personal favorite, “mokita” from New Guinea, which is the truth that everybody knows about but nobody speaks.
So, if you have a love for strange words, there is a whole world out there, at times unique to a language which for you means a sense of weird joy, but for the translator, nightmares!!

So!!!, its been long..

A lot has happened without getting any mention here.. was in trivandrum for training in tcs, then got back to delhi about 20 days back and now having a regular office life, except that there's no work at all..

I went to trivandrum with a mind frame, that I'm gonna be wrecked and I was initially.. hated brute, rude security guards who dint blv in helping with the luggage, attitude-filled "food-counter man" who asked me "not to eat", coz i dint have change, miserable(detestable) food, babel like noises in every damn language in that mini-cultural zoo of a place.. but as always, things changed.. i met some amazing ppl there, made friends, had so much fun, that now at times, being back seems like a mistake..

there's so much to tell.. about the nice Peepal Park Hostel, where roomies came and went away, many times I even had to stay alone; but all in good fun.. about the Munnar trip, where for the first time I realized that probably coming to trivandrum isn't a mistake after all;; "thekri" a part of the munnar trip, with its haunting tree-skulls coming out of the cold water, as if talking to the surrounding mountains, was breath-taking.. about some of best night-outs at CCD and some brilliant conversations.. about Kovallam, being a holy beach for us ;)).. about watching movies back to back @Rs 40 till my eyes got weak.. about dancing in the Labs.. about long walks with interesting ppl..