And I should remember these...

I have this bad habit of forgetting the compliments but remembering the taunts. I figure, I should remember these as they did brighten me up :

1. Abhilasha telling me "It's very difficult to know you and not love you". Whatever that female did is not that important, this was something that really touched my heart.
2. Mandeep at the admin after hearing my big plans for life "I think you're going to have an interesting life. Do keep in touch". And yes, we are still in touch!
3. Rahul Roy Chowdhury "I think it's your work, your work with the kids - that you've your innocence intact!".
I think I'm really lucky to have met him, though I keep telling him to get insurance and make me the nominee, figuring with his rate he won't live long ;)
4. Deepak Boro, a 16 yr old kid at Ummeed, a hard nut to crack : "I wish I had a teacher like you when I was young, I would have already become something" and then gives a big smile. Some days later he decides he doesn't want to give the computer paper, so skips my class , indefinitely..
5. Dinesh, the crazy photographer from Jaipur  : "You're a devil, but when somebody looks at you from a distance talking, laughing, fighting, you're very amusing. There are very few people like you"
6. Frida, a 9 yr. old girl, from the family I was living with in Goa : "Now, who is going to tell us bed-time stories?"
7. Suraj, another kid from Ummeed, a good dancer, singer, but a lot of aggression : "You must be a real kid lover?? that can only be the reason.. why someone like you should come to a place like this "

Confessions.

While I sit here with the empty 1 litre Cookie Crumb ice-cream bucket, I can't help but reminisce. It's been a while since I've felt like questioning myself. The reason being it's so much easier defending things, when you don't even mention your slightest doubts, even to yourself. 

Three days back, someone stole Martin's iPod. Got it back yesterday. Was stolen by a juvenile kid, with whom I used to talk about controlling anger, and forgetting the past, and focussing on future. He came to me to tell that he found the thing backside of Ummeed under a brick. But the truth as told much earlier by the staff was that, he was trying to find the lead in the Mehrauli market when two other kids saw him. And so, he probably returned it thinking that everyone's going to find out about this after all.

He was sick that day, and I haven't been talking to him much as he was not improving with his behaviour. But that day being a "Cheese toast and dining manners" class, I felt he could use some Cheese magic. I should've known better.

This is not the first time, I had serious doubts about myself. In my starting days at Ummeed, there was a kid Naushad Ali. Always dirty, always hitting, always outside the class. I decided to talk to him and after a lot of counselling, we both came up with a point system where things like clean hair, clean nails, clean ears etc. fetched +10 points and hitting a child, bunking class, lying, disrespecting fetched -10 points and so on. I promised if by the end of the week, he gets more than 100, I'll give him a gift. The very next day, I saw him sparkling clean and so well behaved, I felt incredible. He got more than 100 in just 3 days. I gave him a card for getting there so fast, and a chocolate at the end of the week. But the very day there was some holiday due to Moharram I think, and he ran away from home. And hasn't returned since. I tried finding out from the staff, they didn't have a clue. They say he had some mental issue. But I really wish I get to see him some day. He gave me a roller-coaster ride; got me so high and then left me to free-fall.

I was having an argument with this friend about him not even trying to quit drugs (his health is deteriorating and yes, I really had to!) and he flipped out telling me about how selfish I am at the core, how I don't even know what I'm doing, how illogical it is of me to force my perspective on him or even on the kids and how people try to fix others, when they can't fix themselves or their family. He apologized the next day, and said he didn't mean all that. And that, it was all just backlash, but it's the truth in it that turns in my stomach when I'm having a bad day.

A word about Chand..

Have you felt that you can see something great rolling inside someone else's brain, even when you hardly know that person? I think I feel like that quite often working with kids.

Chand

It was the very first day in Ummeed and he ensured that I'll remember his name thereafter. The kids weren't in mood for a class (which they rarely are, to be honest). I asked them to sit in a circle and in turns, dance a step plus tell me what they wanted to become. The fact that 90% of them wanted to become fighters wasn't a surprise. The real surprise was this kid Chand who was almost reasoning like an adult whether it was the futility of me trying to have a class or the senselessness of making him dance. All of the kids in Ummeed are pretty much free spirited, but Chand is still somewhat different. He keeps moving in and out of class as and when he finds things that interest him. Razor-sharp brains. Not only understands things (that appeal to him) but applies it - the sign of true learning. I always find him fiddling with things or walking in his own world. Alone with an English paper he can't understand, with other kids in mud making bridges, climbing down trees and best- running away from teachers. This republic day, I discussed the saga of our freedom struggle and partition. History being as dear to him as science, or probably more, he was glued that class. Today, after I read them the daily news - the revolution in Egypt, A. Raja. arrest, two pilots die trying to save lives etc., he comes to me and says - "I think the time of Bhagat Singh is going to be back again". I asked him why he thought this way. He said "With all this bad news daily, with all this bloodshed - I think the time of pre-independence struggle, the time of Bhagat Singh will be back again". I've always been impressed with him, but today I'm sure he hit the bulls-eye!!! I hope the system never succeeds in killing his reflective mind.. 

P.S. : I adore all of them. I really would wish the system never succeeds in killing their free spirits either, but I do hope for more order in Ummeed. Sometimes, the heart really questions the point of education if the morals are perforated. Somebody stole Martin's (a fellow German volunteer) iPod yesterday. I wish there was no exams/admission bullshit, I would teach them the real important things in life first; rather than sandwiching it in their classes.

And sometimes they ask you things...

It's not that I haven't been in situations when a question has put me into a deep thought. It's just in Ummeed it happens quite frequently now.

There is this kid Farukh, an extremely adorable kid, who stammers a little. I had noticed it and was thinking of talking to him about the simple techniques of speaking slowly and getting rid of the fear which makes you stammer even more for starters. What I hadn't noticed was that the other kids were taking his case from time to time, and making the situation worse. Today, when I was speaking to one of the older kids, I saw him behind me. I asked him if he wants to say something and he just vanished. While I was about to walk out of the Ummeed door, he came and asked "Didi, mera yeh bolna theek ho jayega naa" (Would I be able to speak properly someday?)

And though for the next ten minutes I assured him with all my heart, and explained all the ways he can work on it, and how he shouldn't listen to other kids, and how he'll be fine; his question filled me with a kind of feeling that I can't box up in words and that stayed with me a little longer than usual. The thing is, very few people will be able to understand the helplessness, that a stammering child feels. Probably, you know the right answer to teacher's question, but you'll not say the answer because you fear you might stammer and then everyone will laugh. Probably, you like studying, but you'll not enter the class for the fear that the teacher might ask you something. Probably, there's so much inside you that you want to scream out from the top of your lungs, but this damn stutter prevents you, it makes you inexpressive, and that in turn makes you feel isolated and low on self-esteem.

Try being inside a child's world, maybe his problems aren't as tall as your problems but then to him they are like giants. I hope I'm able to help Farukh bring down his giants, as I did for myself when I was young.

Things Ummeed has taught me so far..

1. How to make mosques and animal faces in the mud (dug up for making a garden inside Ummeed).
2. How to shout one moment, and break into hysterical laughter the other.
3. How to run after 10 kids in different directions and ask them to attend the class.
4. How to do Emotional blackmail :) when everything else fails.
5. How caring the most mischievous kids can be, when it comes to the new born puppies.
6. How the tiny Shukar Ali can do a Shin Chan all day, and then give that disarming smile and get away with everything ;)
7. How tiny Lucky will always ask you if you need a chair and then get you one from somewhere.
8. How the intricate game of 'Gilli Danda' is the best thing on planet.
9. How these kids never feel cold, with half sleeves T shirt and no slippers/socks, when the adults are literally shivering.
10. How they never get tired of surprising me with their mood swings.
11. How carefree, free-spirited and fearless they are towards life and how difficult it is not to get impressed once you get to know of it.
12. How inadequate it can feel at times! There are days you keep thinking, if you're ever going to be able to understand enough, to do enough, to heal enough.
13. How many things they juggle in their head, and how you'll never get to know about it.
14. How observing you have to be to intercept the mild signals to know when they're ready to talk.

but he will always sing once more!!

He ran away at the age of 10,
still a fast runner,
still a lot of soft lines shaded with coarse pen.
Sings in the corridor, drums the kitchen door,
Had violent storms once,
now living with silent icicles from before.

Stuck between a father who couldn't love
and a mother who couldn't live,
Chose to choose,
A life of bruises over a life as an unwanted refuse.
Took life as a teacher, left with the servant's son
and left the book open, with the chapter undone..

Waiting to close it with proving him wrong,
Join the army, from his father's regiment
and win the redemption that was his all along..
So as he sings in the corridor, drums the kitchen door,

he might see you and stop at first,
but he will always sing once more!!

For one of the kid at Ummeed Aman Ghar

Still

Silent stare, silent hands
two people packed in polybags,
came close.
Liquid stirred, but didn't spill
packed were the emotions still