Freedom Paradox!

Last year in June, in one of our discussions about absolute freedom in life, a friend of a friend, who is an artist cum school teacher living in solitude for quite some time made a statement : "What will be absolute freedom -You get up in the morning with a thing that you want to do and there are no distractions - body-related, friend-related, bills-related, resource-related i.e. anything else but the task/tasks you wanted to do." I reciprocated with the unlikeliness of such a scenario and incomplete meaning of freedom as it becomes circumstances dependent rather than you-dependent. I thought you could choose to be free if you so desired, you could choose not to fall prey to the distractions that stop you from doing what you got in the morning for. The reason we pay heed to these distractions, prove that we choose them over our intent, again using our freedom of choice.

However, it is causing major upheavals inside my neural tissues right now. I got up today, with psychology on my mind - I wanted to view some lectures/listen some audios/read some books, wanted to drown in it. However, my brain keeps getting pre-occupied with my friends getting together in CP, wanting me there, my pup wanting to grab my attention, my next-door close-friend wanting to spend some time together, my mom wanting to make some chit-chat, my country wanting me to go out and vote, my body wanting to soak in water and get cleaned, my mind wanting to be somewhere far, alone and reflecting on so much that skips my eye and my blog wanting to be blemished by new paradoxes in my life. I could understand all this as breach of my freedom, as all of these would be stopping me from doing what I really feel like. On the other hand, all of these activities are things I enjoy and love. And hence by choosing to do any of these, though I lose my freedom to pursue my primary interest for time-being, I might also be using my freedom of not being tied up by my primary objectives and being free to follow my other interest as and when I like. On the contrary, if I choose to do divulge into psychology without paying any amount of time to the other activities, I have my primary sense of "freedom" intact but I might risk loosing a good time with my friends or missing an antic of my pup etc. So, my head is already calculating and extrapolating the graph of risks involved vs. worth of my primary objective; this act itself distracting my focus from the primary goal to now its "worth". So, now even if I choose the former, I have a divided mind - not a free one. So, whatever I choose, I still lose my freedom in some way or another!

the usual uneasiness.

I am not sure what others do with it - if they try to cover it with a blanket of passiveness, or distract it with something delirious like a crazy movie or a crazy kiss, or if they sprinkle whiskey over it, or hug a pillow, or eat like wild boars over it .. whatever it is, I am sure nothing seems like a perfect solution to this uneasiness that grips you some days and makes you feel  as if there is something missing, something wrong somewhere but you can't put a finger on it.

It is strong enough to make you impulsive and take steps that may change your life (if you allow it, i.e.) and yet, so fragile that one whiff of alternatives and it sinks deep inside to come out at some other time, probably stronger. The uneasy thing about this uneasiness is that it's not unwanted, but it's not tempting either. You feel detached from whatever you're doing and a strange eagerness to break away so that you can unfold the mystery. But there's never enough evidence or hope that you'll succeed and so it seems worthless to stop.

So at the end of the day, to explain it to ourselves, we attach it to a reason that looks reasonable enough and go back to the usual, not knowing if the uneasiness actually faded or if we just taped some cement of reality on it.

So where are we now!

Downpour at midnight,

of thoughts allergic to daylight.

Have the journeys made me wiser?

Or have I killed the best advisor?

Killed the reason sublime,

Or freed a spirit locked away in time!

I was happy until I knew it won't last long,

I was happy until I knew I still don't know where I belong..

No words for - What? Why? When? or How?

No words for - 'Where are we now?'

my mind playing tricks..

i have an exam tomorrow at 10:30 am...a lot of course left, but thats not the problem...that is kind of a routine thing, i'm very used to that...the problem is, i just had a glass full of tea(and not exaggerating), coz i thought i need to stay awake;which now i am...but somehow, my mind is half asleep; coz right now i'm like a really dumb person; who has to read a line four times to understand it...you would say, i should sleep; which i want to, but i can't coz my mind is also half-awake but blank...really blank...how else can i prove my state of mind, i'm writing a blog entry about complete nonsense at a very critical time..this feels so drunk..