Embarrassed!!

I think, i've had more embarrassments in my life than I've had common colds.. i've this unique self destructive capacity, that not only stays but also regenerates itself regularly.. not that i'm too dumb or anything, but i have this stock of evil gut feelings, from maybe my past life that keeps wrecking my each attempt to gain respect or love in this society..

Its either like, i want the right things, but at the wrong times; or the wrong things at the right times.. i don't know.. but theres something that i can't put my finger on, but that thing pricks down, every bubble i make.. despite my whole intention of, doing a right thing for a change, i end up flustered and yes, embarrassed..

i'm not going to cite any examples, my insanity hasn't reached that high a level.. though, i would mention that i've been noticing this eccentricity since childhood.. i was smarter as a kid, but still never too far from this E word.. however, as i grew older, i became more skilled, in hiding my accidental claims to fame, in using my face(made more innocent, used as a shield), in escaping from potential deadlock situations and then finally, in the art of laughing at myself, the ultimate panacea to all embarrassments.. but nothing works better than a bad memory.. my forgetfulness is the only reason, i'm still surviving some of my best endeavors to ruin myself..

Most of these E things trace their origins from my "carelessness", or how some of my polite friends say "carefreeness".. others can be spontaneity, ignorance, blah blah, blah blah blah.. i've gone through the whole process of identifying them, making a plan of how to fix them; and as usual doing the complete opposite.. so i'd say, the causes are not that important.. its what all this has taught me...

It taught me how to see my own imperfections before i see yours, i think i'm much more compassionate because of this; it gave me "uncertainty" the perfect punching-bag to put all the blames on; ya, just to re-iterate it made me stronger(to handle next ones better); made me a better judge of people(though i still have a long way to go); and it gave me a life in between.. a life which i can reminisce and not be proud of, but still be unregretful of... and since i'm not in my late 90s, this kind-of reminiscing doesn't suit me, so with a conclusion that "i've a chronic attraction to embarrassment", that would be all..